Thursday, July 24, 2008

Criss Angel is a dork

I like magic. I have a handful of stock tricks that I do from time to time. I enjoy watching magicians perform. One of my favorites is David Blaine. No, not when he's making an idiot out of himself trying to die. When he performs his street magic stuff. He's very good. But, I admit, he can be very dorky.

Well, if dorky is a creed, Criss Angel is their king. Or bishop. Or whatever.

For obvious reasons, big illusions don't work on TV. I would hope that most people are smart enough to know that you can pretty much do anything "magical" on TV. Especially when cameras cut from one scene to the next. Kind of loses it's "live" feel. So, news flash to Criss . . . WE KNOW IT"S A TRICK!

What's worse, though, and Criss has been criticized for this before, he performs these big lavish illusions in front of about 20 people! Wouldn't you think you'd want a huge audience?!?! Well, that's because, they're all plants. Picked to act "amazed", "shocked", and "bewildered".

It's pathetic. I don't know what's worse, watching Angel act like he really has super powers . . . or watching and listening to the "audience" gasp in amazement. Then go on in the interview on how shocked they were.

Oh. My. God.

As Jack Black would say . . . LAME.

Criss' premiere show was to have him be the first magician to walk across Lake Mead. Walk on water. I swear, it looked more like a parody of a Criss Angel show. He spent the better part of the hour talking about water, being one with it, mystical crap, bad hairdo . . . what's with all the f*ckin' rings? He's such a dork. Anyway, so the time finally comes and there's about . . . oh . . . 20 people there. WHAT?!? Wouldn't you think you'd want a huge crowd there? So, he starts walking on the water. Again, we know it's a trick. Come on. But then, two girls get in the water and are in constant awe. Geez. You'd thought he was Obama or something! One girl, actually reaches up to touch Criss' hand. That did it. Slap on a crown of thorns on this guy and call him jesus. OMG, it was pathetic.

But then, he goes out about 20 feet . . . and stands there. Hands up like he's summoning Crispin Glover's energy or something. WTF? In the mean time, more "oohs" and "aahs" and "OMG's", and "look at that", and I'm thinking . . . when is he going to walk across the lake?!?!? He's just standing there on a plexiglass platform looking like a biker who just found religion and wants to be baptized . . . walk, asswipe!

Nope. He just sinks.

We never see where he goes. The camera cuts to the crowd where they gasp and wonder and disbelieve and be generally stupid. He never does show up anywhere. I suppose you can't show him coming to the surface swimming. Why not float?

I know, why watch? I keep hoping he'll do something cool. But he never does. He always a dork. I guess it's like picking a scab. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help it. Once again, though, the DVR saved me. I only bled a little.

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