"Honey, let's go camping!"
Can I just say no or must I take a stick and pry my eye out it's socket so I can spend 8 hours in the emergency room? How 'bout I buy some beer for you then check in at the 6 nearby. You can tell me about how comfy the ground was and I can tell you about the nip slip I saw on Telemundo.
(sigh)
What happens to stuff after camping? Does it reproduce? Regenerate? How can one leave with a van half full and neatly packed and come back with stuff spilling out the windows and causing the back bumper to drag on the ground? Are there camper rummage sales?
"Let's pitch the tent in the backyard and sleep out there!"
Excuse me? Are you mental? There isn't enough xanax in the cabinet to make that happen.
"Come on. The kids will love it!"
That's because they're kids. Their spinal cords function properly. Their joints don't creak. They could sleep on a tree branch.
"It's perfect weather for camping!"
Which means it would be a great night to crawl in bed and open the windows.
"Breathing the fresh air will be good for you!"
No it won't. Pollution and global warming is just getting worse. Exposing myself to city air will make me stronger.
Actually, I love the outdoors. I just want to sleep IN doors. And shower. And poop. For me, roughing it is no room service. On top of which, one has to load enough crap to sustain a small village in order to camp. WTF?! I thought camping was supposed to be fun? Waaaaay too much work. I can load in my pockets what I need for a weekend away at a motel.
So, you can take your tents, shove 'em in your back packs, and walk off a cliff. I ain't sharing a bar of soap with some fat guy in a lake.
Plus I'd miss those nip slips.
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